Then, pain and anger follow, which generally leads to one question: Why do people cheat? According to Kelly Campbell, Ph. It's just that some people are naturally more in-line with those views and others are not.
Meet the Expert. Kelly Campbell , Ph. Given these differences, Campbell says it's crucial for every couple to discuss what infidelity means to them. Men tend to get more upset about physical infidelity, while women value emotional disclosure. How do you know where the boundary is? Here's what you need to know about the psychology of cheating: the red flags, the reasoning, and how to navigate the next steps.
They rank low for agreeableness and conscientiousness. Your lives are not intertwined. It's important to be vulnerable with your partner. You see their differences as flaws.
She also points out that the old adage "opposites attract" doesn't hold true as the relationship develops. The reasons people cheat are varied, but there are a number that crop up time and again in the counselling room.
One of the most common reasons for infidelity is the feeling that you and your partner have drifted apart. In this case, cheating can feel like a way of finding something new and exciting when your relationship has become predictable and familiar. There may be a lack of proper communication in the relationship talking about specific issues or just generally keeping in touch about how you feel.
Or life may have become dominated by work or looking after kids, so time together has become more functional than loving. Some partners communicate more verbally by saying nice things, whereas others might prefer to express affection physically by cuddling or kissing. If your love language is different to your partners, that can leave you feeling unloved — and potentially more open to the affections of someone who seems to understand you better.
An affair might then be tempting in order to feel appreciated and equal. Sometimes, affairs occur at times when you might assume people would be the most secure in their relationship, such as after getting engaged or when someone is pregnant.
I was certain that our love would be forever, so when I walked in on him making out with some dude from work who also had a boyfriend, so what gives, man? We've Got Answers. You can guess how that worked out by my searches during the next few months. A cheater or a dictator with the murder of thousands on his conscience? In my pain, I had decided that the man who cheated on me was evil, dark-hearted, a pox upon all the houses not just those found in Verona.
Turns out my black and white view of infidelity wasn't the most honest way to look at it, sex therapist Vanessa Marin tells me. There are plenty of really great, wonderful people who cheat as well.
People do bad things. I felt really trapped. One partner may be incapable of fulfilling their partner's needs, but far too often, those needs have not been expressed. Marital partners are not mind-readers. Another is the lack of addressing problems directly. Running away from problems conflict avoidance rather than staying and addressing them is another crucial element in communication and commitment in marriage.
Some of the reasons cited as the cause for cheating may include:. In addition to the primary reasons for cheating noted above, there are secondary reasons that may lead to an affair.
Sometimes people have a suspicion that their spouse is cheating but don't have any solid evidence. While often the best approach in marriage is to be direct, you may wonder if it will cause more damage to ask directly. And, of course, the answer your spouse gives could either be the truth or a lie. The best approach will vary for different couples, but if you're concerned, it may be a good idea to look for some of the signs. In some marriages, an affair is a cry for help, a way to force the couple to finally face the problems that both parties are aware of but aren't addressing.
In this case, the partner often actually tries to get caught as a way of bringing the issue to the fore. Other times a partner may simply see infidelity as an exit strategy—a way to end an unhappy marriage.
Regardless of the underlying reason a spouse cheats, it can either devastate a marriage or be the catalyst for rebuilding it, depending upon how the infidelity is dealt with. You may, however, want to explore how the dynamics between you and your spouse led you to this point. Recognizing that infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues can lead a couple to fix the underlying problems in their relationship and grow closer.
If you were the one cheated on, it's critical to realize that you're not responsible for your spouse making the decision to cheat. You are not to blame for his or her behavior.
Women tend to find emotional affairs more threatening than sexual affairs, whereas men are more willing to forgive emotional affairs but for both, the most common response to learning of their partner's affair is jealousy.
Even if you were the one wronged, working with a professional may be helpful in coping and recovering yourself. Unresolved jealousy can lead to resentment, and as the old adage claims: "Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die. Some couples can move past infidelity and move on to have even an even better relationship, whereas some cannot.
Certainly, there are times when continuing the marriage wouldn't be recommended. Before you analyze the specifics of the affair from your spouse's perspective and look at why the affair occurred in terms of his or her needs, it's important to look at your own needs. This can be more challenging than it sounds, especially amidst the jealousy and anger.
If you were the one who had an affair, there are several steps you can take if you hope to save your marriage. Foremost you need to stop cheating and lying immediately and own your choice. Being patient and giving your spouse space is essential. That doesn't say it will work out. It may not.
But without accepting full responsibility not blaming or justifying your behavior the chances will be low.
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